Beginning a Lifelong Journey

I approached treatment with mixed emotions. I was ashamed of being an unfit mother, a dependent partner and a disconnected family member. I was scared about the stigma associated with mental health issues, that I might be isolated as unstable or incapable. I was hesitant to open up to a completely unknown person. I was concerned about how medication might affect my health. In spite of all this, I knew that I needed help and I couldn't give up. It gave me hope and strength.

A quick google search connected me with Dr Amitabh Ghosh, a psychiatrist practising in a clinic a couple of buildings away. A thorough professional experienced in Psychodrama and EMDR, he had a natural way of connecting with his clients. After the first consultation, Dr Amitabh told me: “Don’t feel guilty. This is just another issue that can affect your ability to take care of yourself and your family. Had you been physically unwell or in some unavoidable commitment, you would have still found yourself in a similar situation. It is possible to work on this". Those words were so reassuring. He also mentioned that it was important to work with parents and immediate caregivers to address behaviour issues in children. This was followed by detailed sessions, where I got the opportunity to open up about my life to date. Dr Amitabh was quick to mention two of my closest relations that I would need to work on. He also pointed out that I ‘acted out’ my mother when faced with situations similar to those I experienced as a child, like when the child showed ‘indiscipline’ or ‘tantrums’. As therapy, along with prescribed medication continued, I found that I was better able to function in general. I could see a significant change in the way I handled situations around my child. I was able to connect with him better and was calmer to respond to his moods. I was satisfied and at this point, I thought of discontinuing treatment. But Dr Amitabh disagreed and I continued the treatment with his assurance. It was not easy. Observing my life from different perspectives and from someone else's (though a trained professional) point of view was challenging.

Our sessions focussed mainly on my childhood days, emotional attachment to parents, response to specific repeated events, hobbies, interests and traumatic experiences. I was surprised to see how different childhood experiences form into different patterns of behaviours we carry much later, into our adulthood. I could appreciate how important it is for a child to express himself/herself and be validated for what (s)he is and how (s)he feels, to grow as an open individual with good self-worth. I could also understand how early traumatic experiences, if not supported to resolve within a child, could drive him (her) with a whole lot of negative emotions and low self-esteem for the rest of his (her) life.

Sometimes it was hilarious to note how we mirror our parental figures when we assume parental roles ourselves.

It was explained to me that even though the siblings might be exposed to the same experiences in childhood, how each of them internalises it depends on their individual personalities.

Around that time, my husband had a job change that required us to move to Bangalore. I was optimistic about the change and happy to be back at the place I called home during the early days of my career. The change also meant we moved closer to our native place where our parents lived. I had just started my sessions with Dr. Amitabh on my connection with immediate family and some of my experiences after my father's death that shook my trust in relationships in more ways than one. Dr Amitabh mentioned that it might take many sessions to work on these concerns.

After settling in Bangalore, I continued therapy and treatment under a team of experts from NIMHANS. Their approach was rather professional than personal. It took me months to connect with the new therapist. Soon came Corona days and the lockdown. Those days challenged my core - family bond (or the feeling of being bound), sense of security (or insecurity), the values I considered as strength (or fears), the root of belief systems (or those customs validated by experiences) and the very purpose and reason of all these felt shaken. It felt like an emotional volcano erupting in all directions, damaging my relations and connection with everything on the way.

Initial sessions saw overflowing emotions. My therapist patiently listened to me and often intervened just to console my emotional self. After a couple of months, the sessions turned into teamwork. I was asked to write in detail about the issues I faced and set objectives to be achieved through therapy. I trusted the process and expertise of these professionals even though I was not sure of the direction many of our discussions were taking. Based on the concepts we discussed, I read some literature from authors around the world and I could get a glimpse of the extensive research going on in the subject. It helped me understand mental health as an evolving field of science. Therapy progressed under the guidance of two senior doctors, a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist. With the help of therapy, I could identify the thought patterns (influenced by my past experiences) that were affecting the way I connected with my family (child and husband) at present. It helped me identify different personality traits and distance myself from unhealthy patterns of behaviours in relationships.

Therapy opened me up to many different possibilities of life situations I faced and made me take responsibility for my own decisions. It helped me to identify major stressors in my work life. I could appreciate the importance of co-parenting and shared responsibility in upbringing of children and we worked on ways to improve parental engagement with our child especially during the pandemic.

As I prepare to conclude therapy now, I understand that the journey to well-being is lifelong. Well-being is the right as well as the responsibility of an individual. I wish our society to be more open and supportive to mental health issues. The last couple of years forced us to shift our attention from material well-being to physical well-being. I hope the coming days might draw more attention to mental and spiritual well-being as well.

Lokaa: Samastaa: Sukhino Bhavantu.