Mom-Shaming and Mental Health

I was at a restaurant for dinner recently when my younger one suddenly started howling. She desired to be breastfed. And I decided to leave the dinner in between and started hunting for a feeding room. That’s when a friend commented, ‘You better stop feeding her now. She is 17 months’. ‘Thank you but I don’t need your advice’ I blabbered in my head while smiling at her. Every mother at some point in time in her motherhood journey witnesses such moments when she is being taught absolutely uncalled things.

When my elder one was born I bought a playpen for her to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself while playing and I recall my mother-in-law telling me how their generation never refrained kids from playing in the area of their choice. She told me that I am not letting my kids build their immunity by being extra fussy about them not playing on the floor. I doubted myself back then!

When I embarked on this amazing journey of motherhood back in 2018, I tried reading several books, spoke to so many mothers, researched so many websites, and eventually realised that there is no manual to being a perfect mother.

Every mother tries to give the best of resources, love, and compassion she has to help her babies grow into beautiful human beings. But of course, some of us have lots to share and we must learn from each other’s experiences. However, there is a very thin line between helping a fellow mom and criticising a mother for her parental choices.

Let me list a few things that I didn’t want to hear from some of my fellow moms:-

1. My elder one is a tall girl with a lean frame and I have been told a couple of times: “She looks weak, you need to keep a watch on what she is eating. I suggest you increase her foot intake’

2. The gap between both my babies is two years and a fellow mom questioned my parenting by asking-“Are you able to do justice to both of them?”

3. When I chose to work after both my kids, I was asked,” Doesn’t your heart break leaving little ones home?”

4. Both my kids didn’t take formula well and had colic. So once my younger one was crying inconsolably and I was told:“I am sure your feed is not enough for her. Her stomach is not full. You should have given her a bottle”

5. When my elder one threw a tantrum at a public place I was told -“Stop being calm when she is throwing a fit. Give her a tight slap. That’s how they learn”

6. When my younger one had not walked until 16 months, I was told: ‘Are you getting her checked? She is too late in walking’

7. When I had to feed my baby in the car while travelling- a fellow mom commented,” You just breastfed her and now you are offering her a slice of bread. Are you sure she won’t vomit that much food”

8. When a friend saw me still feeding my younger one who is 19 months, she casually said-“I stopped feeding my son at 8 months. This does no good. Please stop embarrassing yourself

These are some of the numerous instances which are etched in my heart and at some point did make me doubt my capacity as a mommy.

The pressure to satisfy the society, in-laws, family, partner, and work is anyway a lot to make one feel burdened. However, when one has other moms increasing that weight, that certainly is very disheartening. There are so many times that the mom-guilt hits us. To further add to it when one has a fellow mom trying to perceive another person’s way differently altogether, it is devastating. It sometimes feels like a distant sight to see someone tell a mother carrying the burden of duties,” you’ve got this”. Let us all bring a strong community together where we as parents try to lift each other’s spirits.